A couple days ago someone rejected me. They rejected me in a hurtful way without caring how it made me feel.
I find myself now lingering in a weird place.
So I’d like to write about it.
I went Monday evening to hangout for a second time with a man I met on a dating app. The first time we hung out we discussed several things that lead me to accept that he and I would never be in a serious relationship. Still, I enjoyed hanging out, and making out, and felt open to a casual, even sex-based relationship.
On Monday we had sex. I knew we were going to. It was okay I suppose, but not only did he not eat my pussy…he didn’t even touch my pussy! It was pure penetration, for only a few minutes, and then it was over. This is after a full in person conversation about what I enjoy in bed and what gets me off. But that didn’t matter to him.
He explained to me that he would only eat pussy if he was really attracted to or really cared about his partner. So….not me.
He said that he “wasn’t sure” if I was going to “work out” for him, so he thought he would “try it out”. “Try me out” like test driving a car. Try me on like a pair of sneakers at a store. Objectified.
I left his apartment without even a goodbye. All I said was, “guess I’ll never see you again”.
This is just sticking to me. Hearing those words in my head over and over again. That my body isn’t good enough for him. That my good intentions and kindness throughout our brief time together did not warrant kindness in return. That I was good enough to cum inside but not good enough for anything more, for returned pleasure, or even for respect.
And listen, it is okay to not be attracted to me. I’m not attracted to everyone either. It is a different thing to knowingly use me just to then throw me away like trash.
If you knew you weren’t attracted to me, why did you have sex with me?
Fat girls like me get this treatment a lot.
I’m strong. I don’t usually feel strong but I am. I’ve survived years of child abuse, multiple sexual assaults, several mental illnesses, self-harm, and a suicide attempt. Despite it all I obtained a degree, have lived in two major cities, and now have a great job at one of the most valuable companies on planet earth. I did that. And yet these small rejections still leave me feeling shattered…
I know all the cliches. “Don’t let one guy get you down.” “You don’t deserve to be treated like that.” Yea, I know…
I KNOW that I don’t deserve that. I KNOW that there is someone out there that would want me and make me feel wanted and treat me with respect. I KNOW that I shouldn’t let this ASSHOLE get me down. And yet I open my eyes in the dark of the night to an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness…
I have spent so many years actively working to demolish the idea that my worth is based on my looks, weight, or ability to attract men. I feel very strongly that I have made a ton of progress in this department. So it is hard to admit (to both myself and others) that a small rejection could affect me so much.
I try to take it easy on myself. Sure, that sometimes means not letting douchebags get to me. But right now it means allowing myself to feel pain and not judging myself for it. Just because I am strong does not mean I can’t have moments of weakness.
It is hard not to judge yourself! The voice in my head is always telling me things like, “you shouldn’t be this upset about something stupid” or “you should be over that by now” or “you shouldn’t be so negative”. The common word there is “should”. I should be this, I shouldn’t be that. Well I AM. I AM sad. I AM hurt. I AM discouraged.
The feeling will end.
No matter how low you feel, there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. And because of this lack of permanence, you should never make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings.
If I hurt myself because of some shitty thing a guy said to me, I will never be able to take it back. If I choose to shut myself out from dating because of some bad experiences than I will never have the chance to have a positive one.
I look back on other times I’ve felt this way in the past and I laugh. I’m sure we all have this in common. I felt so horrible in that moment and now it is a blip in my expansive journey line. One day this rejection will be just the same.