No

“You think my pussy is worth the $8 it cost you to get me that vodka soda that came in a clear plastic solo cup?”

Today I was with a male co-worker and a male client at lunch. My client asked me, “Why do women have to go to the bathroom in packs when they are at a club or a bar?”

My immediate response: “Because we need to stay together to protect each other.”

I don’t think he liked my answer.

The reality is that nights out on the town can get scary when you’re a woman. I have been quite the party animal from a young age, so I have plenty of experience on the party scene. My most recent experiences have been in the city; at bars, clubs, lounges, happy hours, restaurants, and more. I have been the protector and the protected. I have been forced to fight off men, verbally and even physically, both for myself and for the people I care about. I have been made to feel so uncomfortable that I have left bars where I do not feel safe. I have held my friends as they leave clubs in tears after being grabbed at like a piece of meat. I have seen it all it seems.

Just a quick disclaimer: I don’t mean to sound dramatic. My friends and I have fun. There are plenty of decent establishments out there that don’t tolerate sexual misbehavior of any kind. I have met perfectly decent men that have either approached myself/my friends respectfully and/or actually aided in our rescue from other men. Unfortunately, the frequency at which the social experience becomes dark is so high that I still feel this is worth posting about.

Don’t know what I’m talking about?

When men accuse you of being a lesbian because you are not interested in their advances.

(Because there is no possible way that a straight woman could maybe just NOT BE INTERESTED.)

When you tell an aggressive man to back off so he just moves on to a friend.

(I meant BACK OFF. None of us are interested in your inappropriate behavior.)

When men come up behind you and touch your body without asking.

(In no way is it ever okay to touch someone’s body without consent. Ever. It is not sexy to violate someone, regardless of the setting or whether or not they have been drinking. Who taught you that my body was your property?)

When men become irate because you won’t sleep with them even though they bought you a drink.

(Really? You think my pussy is worth the $8 it cost you to get me that vodka soda that came in a clear plastic solo cup? You could buy me a live fucking tiger and it wouldn’t mean that I owe you sex.)

When men insult you after they hit on you and you reject them.

(Just because I am not interested in you sexually doesn’t mean I deserve to be bullied. Just because I said “I’m sorry, not tonight”, doesn’t mean I am a horrible person that deserves to be called names. Is your ego really that fragile?)

When you straight up say “no” to a man and they just won’t back off.

(Why don’t men know that “no” means “no”?)

About a year ago I was at a bar (that I haven’t been to since) with my current roommate/best friend. We were approached by two men that were somewhat dorky and average looking (not that that is relevant to their behavior). The one that spoke to me was a try hard. He was clearly spitting game at me. He asked me where I went to school, and when I told him he went off about how he has visited that campus so many times and loved partying there. I asked him what his favorite bar was on campus…and he couldn’t name one.

I called him out. I told him not to make things up, that he didn’t need “lines” to impress me, that I would prefer he just talk to me. At first I thought he understood.

He kept saying a lot of aggressive things asserting that I wasn’t interested in him, and challenging me. As if I should tell him now if I’m not going to sleep with him so that he doesn’t have to make small talk with me anymore. The more he said these things, the more and more uncomfortable I felt. But his friend was still talking to my roommate, and I couldn’t tell if she was interested, so I tried to hold out a bit longer. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I told him I was going to run to the restroom, and he was instantly furious.

“So are you actually going to come back, should I even bother waiting for you?”

Dude…I have to pee.

I told him he was freaking me out. I told him I feared he was getting angry at every instance that signaled I may not go home with him tonight. He assured me that he had no expectations. I carried on listening to him peacock-ing, until I couldn’t take it any longer. I grabbed my roomie and we ran to the bathroom. After the bathroom we escaped to a different bar on the strip.

Later in the evening, while we were waiting for an Uber home, we heard a man call out to us. It was him.

“That is the girl who wouldn’t sleep with me! You win some, you lose some, am I right?”

He cackled at me from across the street. It was terrifying.

A lot of these sort of situations have one or both of two parties at fault, just in my opinion. I will explain them in no particular order.

I think women are taught not to say no to men. I think women are taught that we should be grateful for any and all sexual/romantic attention, because our entire self worth should be based on this almost exclusively. What men think of us equals our value.

For the majority of my life, even from my earliest years interacting with boys in my pre-teens, I avoided directly rejecting men at all cost. There are an array of excuses that I’ve developed, and that I’ve witnessed other women use as well.

“I’m not into men.” Yes, I mentioned the “lesbian excuse” earlier. Maybe our use of this excuse has enabled the prescription that men give to women who actually just say “no”.

“I have to go to the bathroom.” Again, another excuse that I was accused of making earlier in my post, even though in that instance it wasn’t just an excuse.

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Tonight is a girls-only night.”

We need to start teaching girls that it is okay to say “no”. We need to empower women to be direct. There is a polite way to turn away a man’s attention, and it doesn’t have to be a watered down excuse. We need women to know that their safety and consent are more important than a man’s fragile ego.

But we also need to teach men that “no” means “no”.

I, and many other women, HAVE said no. We shouldn’t have to say anything else.

This is rape culture.

I would be curious to know, if I really have readers who make it all the way through my lengthy posts, why you think this phenomenon occurs? Do you have any similar horror stories? Do you have any examples of male advocates who HAVE made you feel safe?

I think it is up to all of us, of all genders on the spectrum, to ensure that we no longer enable rape culture to exist. We need to call out the perpetrators, and we need to empower others to do so as well.

Love,

Third Wheeling It

“So what do you call a straight girl that has a FMF threesome and watches lesbian porn?”

On Saturday night I fucked a couple. 

I was at a bar with a friend and she was off talking to some dude. I’m not a cock block, I’m an adult who is capable of grabbing a drink and socializing on my own. This being said, I walked over to the bar alone to grab a drink.

You’ll have to cut me some slack because I was very intoxicated by this point in the night. I don’t remember some of the details but bare with me here. 

Somehow I ended up talking to some guy and I remember him asking me if I was bisexual, and then introducing his girlfriend to me. “We’re swingers.” I never thought I would hear such young people use the term “swingers” but I guess I’m not sure what else you would call it. 

I explained that I’m not bisexual but that I’m very open minded and pretty much down for anything. They ask me to go home with them.

I immediately shook my head yes. Then I ask if it was for him or for her. I didn’t want to go have a threesome with a couple because it is the guy’s fantasy and the girl is reluctantly complying. I wanted to make sure they were both totally into it. 

We get a cab home. The guy keeps putting his hand down the back of my jeans to grab my bare butt. I don’t think I’ve had an adult man to that to me ever. I remember kissing the girl in the cab. I remember stumbling into their apartment. I remember the girl pouring us drinks. I remember the guy pulling my top off of me. This is where it gets even hazier. 

I don’t really remember any foreplay, I just kind of came to conciousness with the guy behind and inside me, and the girl beneath me. I was doing a lot of boob touching. At first I didn’t really remember doing much to the girl but I’m pretty sure now that I fingered her.

Next thing I know they are pulling out a strap on from a drawer. I don’t really remember who was supposed to be wearing the strap on, and I don’t remember who was supposed to receive it. The only thing I remember is putting it in the guy’s ass. I hope that is what I was supposed to do. He seemed kind of shocked when I put it in but not mad at all. Who knows?

At some point I think I just got bored. I jumped off the bed and they continued to fuck each other missionary style. I felt like that was my cue. I franticly put my clothes on and literally ran out of the apartment. I Ubered home. Not before calling Maybe Greg at least 20 times. I texted the next morning to apologize and explain that I thought I was locked out of my friend’s apartment (because she brought the guy from the bar home). He still has not responded to my apology texts. Oh well. 

I had a little bit of anxiety about it the next day. I think part of it was that being sexual with a girl is not 100% comfortable me because I really do identify as straight. I think another part of it is that I wished I hadn’t been so drunk so that I could’ve been less sloppy and aggressive. I wish I had played it more cool…

So what do you call a straight girl that has a FMF threesome and watches lesbian porn? Oh yea, I watch lesbian porn literally all the time. At first when I realized I liked lesbian porn I felt super confused. It wasn’t really something that I had admitted to my friends until recent years even though I had been doing it for a while. 

One day I had an epiphany about this. I was getting turned on by lesbian porn because I was seeing women getting eaten out and touched correctly. Straight porn literally looks like the girl is being assaulted. I am all for rough sex and role playing, but what is done to females in straight porn looks painful. You also don’t see men in porn going down on women for more than a couple seconds. On the other hand, you get to watch a girl blow the dude for literal HOURS while her eyes water and she makes choking sounds. 

I blame the porn industry for forcing straight women to watch lesbian porn. If there was more straight porn in which both sexes were created equal this wouldn’t be a thing. 

I’m not alone. Check out this article from the Huffington Post.

Wanna know what I really think? What I really think is that there is no such fucking thing as “gay” and “straight” and “bi” and yadda yadda. You don’t have to pick a label. Often times when talking about a straight girl who has hooked up with another girl, I hear people say something along the lines of “oh, is she a lesbian?” Like maybe you can just do what you want when you want to and not have to pick a category to be grouped into. Maybe it’s not such a big effin deal what you choose to do with your body or how you feel about things depending on the moment.

Having sex does not change who you are.

And hey, listen, I definitely think that sexuality is part of someone’s identity. But a single or even many sexual acts don’t cause some sort of transformation. If I have sex with a girl I’m not suddenly a new thing that I wasn’t once. Same thing goes for how much sex someone has. There is some sort of misconception out there that each time a woman has sex she gives something away and is now less of a person. People act like women only have so much sex in them and that their supply can be depleted. I will touch more on this later, I could write a whole novel on this topic alone.

I just really encourage all of you to trust yourself, do what feels right, and don’t worry about what other people think about it. We are taught to make so many judgements about sex which restrains us and makes us unhappy. If you judge yourself and others for sex you will never truly enjoy it or have a healthy sexuality.

Love,

Anonymous Bitch