Rejection

“Just because I am strong does not mean I can’t have moments of weakness.”

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A couple days ago someone rejected me. They rejected me in a hurtful way without caring how it made me feel.

I find myself now lingering in a weird place.

So I’d like to write about it.

I went Monday evening to hangout for a second time with a man I met on a dating app. The first time we hung out we discussed several things that lead me to accept that he and I would never be in a serious relationship. Still, I enjoyed hanging out, and making out, and felt open to a casual, even sex-based relationship.

On Monday we had sex. I knew we were going to. It was okay I suppose, but not only did he not eat my pussy…he didn’t even touch my pussy! It was pure penetration, for only a few minutes, and then it was over. This is after a full in person conversation about what I enjoy in bed and what gets me off. But that didn’t matter to him.

He explained to me that he would only eat pussy if he was really attracted to or really cared about his partner. So….not me.

He said that he “wasn’t sure” if I was going to “work out” for him, so he thought he would “try it out”. “Try me out” like test driving a car. Try me on like a pair of sneakers at a store. Objectified.

I left his apartment without even a goodbye. All I said was, “guess I’ll never see you again”.

This is just sticking to me. Hearing those words in my head over and over again. That my body isn’t good enough for him. That my good intentions and kindness throughout our brief time together did not warrant kindness in return. That I was good enough to cum inside but not good enough for anything more, for returned pleasure, or even for respect.

And listen, it is okay to not be attracted to me. I’m not attracted to everyone either. It is a different thing to knowingly use me just to then throw me away like trash.

If you knew you weren’t attracted to me, why did you have sex with me?

Fat girls like me get this treatment a lot.

I’m strong. I don’t usually feel strong but I am. I’ve survived years of child abuse, multiple sexual assaults, several mental illnesses, self-harm, and a suicide attempt. Despite it all I obtained a degree, have lived in two major cities, and now have a great job at one of the most valuable companies on planet earth. I did that. And yet these small rejections still leave me feeling shattered…

I know all the cliches. “Don’t let one guy get you down.” “You don’t deserve to be treated like that.” Yea, I know…

I KNOW that I don’t deserve that. I KNOW that there is someone out there that would want me and make me feel wanted and treat me with respect. I KNOW that I shouldn’t let this ASSHOLE get me down. And yet I open my eyes in the dark of the night to an overwhelming feeling of worthlessness…

I have spent so many years actively working to demolish the idea that my worth is based on my looks, weight, or ability to attract men. I feel very strongly that I have made a ton of progress in this department. So it is hard to admit (to both myself and others) that a small rejection could affect me so much.

I try to take it easy on myself. Sure, that sometimes means not letting douchebags get to me. But right now it means allowing myself to feel pain and not judging myself for it. Just because I am strong does not mean I can’t have moments of weakness.

It is hard not to judge yourself! The voice in my head is always telling me things like, “you shouldn’t be this upset about something stupid” or “you should be over that by now” or “you shouldn’t be so negative”. The common word there is “should”. I should be this, I shouldn’t be that. Well I AM. I AM sad. I AM hurt. I AM discouraged.

The feeling will end.

Remember that.

No matter how low you feel, there is hope for a brighter tomorrow. And because of this lack of permanence, you should never make a permanent decision based on temporary feelings.

If I hurt myself because of some shitty thing a guy said to me, I will never be able to take it back. If I choose to shut myself out from dating because of some bad experiences than I will never have the chance to have a positive one.

I look back on other times I’ve felt this way in the past and I laugh. I’m sure we all have this in common. I felt so horrible in that moment and now it is a blip in my expansive journey line. One day this rejection will be just the same.

Love,

Anonymous Bitch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chubby

“You like my body.”

Being a big girl plays a huge role in my sexuality. I don’t think people realize how much being fat changes a person’s sexual/romantic experience.

I am 5’8″ and I wear a size 18. I have felt like a big girl all my life, even though for the majority of it I was not. In high school I wore a size 12 while my pre-pubescent friends were all wearing a size 0. I look back at pictures of myself and think, “how could I have ever thought I was fat?”

My senior year of high school I gained a lot of weight and got up to maybe a size 16. When I realized how much weight I had gained I started dieting and was able to lose 30 pounds in three months.

Once I went to college I started gaining the weight back, slowly. My sophomore year of college my boyfriend of the time took me shopping as a Christmas present. He bought me a couple dresses. On the car ride home he confessed to me that he wanted me to start losing weight. I was a size 14 at the time. I thought I had a wonderful day, feeling beautiful trying on dresses on this boyfriend-funded shopping spree. Then he crushed me.

By senior year of college I was up to a size 18. Since then I have lost and re-gained weight intermittently, but I have never really gotten back to my ideal size.

Now here I am, single, in the city, trying to date, trying to stay as healthy as possible, trying so hard to build my life here. I have a friend who is also single and new to the city, and I watch her go on dates with guys she meets online. She complains to me about how hard it is to date here. She has no idea how much harder it is for ME.

There are a lot of judgements that others make about fat people. There are a lot of assumptions. There are a lot of microaggressions directed towards fat people. If you don’t know what a microaggression is you should probably look it up.

One of the worst things that has always bothered me is the way that people so blatantly disclude you from normal dating activities. It seems to me that no other physical characteristic omits you from the dating scene as much as being fat does.

In college I was in a sorority, so there were a lot of formal/semi-formal events to go to, a lot of date parties, etc. It was very very common that single people would get set up for these events. I almost never was.

None of my friends ever set me up with a date because they assumed that their male friends would not be attracted to me because I was fat. And I get it. Young, gym-going, frat-stars on the majority probably would not be attracted to me. But did my friends never stop to think even one time that I noticed that I was always excluded?

I also get a lot of back handed compliments. “Wow, that is so flattering on you.” Could it maybe just look nice on me? Or is my fat body so horrendous that the best it gets is when a piece of clothing is simply able to HIDE (aka flatter) my body?

My other favorite move is when men like let me know that it is okay that I’m big and they still like me anyways. Some of them even fetish-ize it in a way. They tell me they don’t like thin women. 1) Why do you assume that I feel uncomfortable with my size and that they have to let me know like “not to worry” about it because they are still into me “anyways”??? You like my body. You don’t have to explain why you like it as if it is such a weird and rare thing that someone could be attracted to my body. 2) You don’t like thin women? Really? If I put a Megan Fox or some other super hot thin girl in front of you, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be attracted to her? Also sizing me up to other women is not the way to compliment me? Also why do you have to put down other women to make me feel good?

Being fat makes online dating much more difficult.

I post up to date pictures on my dating profiles but I don’t tend to keep photos around that I look big in. I don’t mean to deceive people with the photos I choose to put online, but what am I supposed to do, put on my most fat revealing outfit and do a photo shoot?

There is always the fear that men won’t be attracted to you once they meet you in person. That fear is there for anyone. But can you imagine how much that fear is escalated when you are a big girl?

In my dating profiles I specify that I am plus sized. My tag line is “Open minded, intelligent, sexual, liberal, plus sized, dog person, 420. If you’re not cool with any of these things please don’t waste my time.” How more honest and straightforward could I possibly be here?

One time a really fit looking man was messaging me and I told him there was no way his profile was real because a man who was so into working out would never be interested in me. He responds “oh my god, you are not big!” Okay…stop. I didn’t ask you to tell me I am not fat. I was not fishing for compliments.

Chubby people still have sexualities. We don’t have to hide our bodies to be considered sexy. Our bodies don’t need to be excused for a person to be attracted to us. Fat people are not the only ones who are attracted to fat people.

I may come back to update this post but that is all for now folks.

Love,

Anonymous Bitch