Am I a Slut?

So I had a one night stand this past weekend. Or at least what I assume will be a one night stand. In the past few months I haven’t dated much but have slept with two men, neither of which I have heard from since the night we had sex. Which is fine.

I’ll throw ya some quick highlights of the most recent hookup. Here we go:

  • Wasted at a house party
  • Had sex on a (horrible) air mattress with a friend asleep on a nearby couch
  • He licked my foot? I was on my back with my legs over his shoulders and he pulled my foot in front of his face and licked/sucked it. So that happened…
  • I let him try to put it in my ass. I verbally gave him consent to. It hurt like a bitch (as it always does, what was I thinking?) and he felt really bad about it.

That is everything even worth mentioning honestly.

Anyways…

I was recently talking to my mom on the phone, discussing a recent romantic encounter a friend of mine had. My mom gets to hear all the hot gossip. I tell her everything and she eats it right up. We talk for hours on the phone about all the drama going on in my friend circle.

Part of the story I was telling her featured a friend of mine sleeping with a man the same day that she met him. My mom apparently cannot avoid saying cliche mom shit. She verbally shamed my friend for sleeping with this man so quickly.

It is hard to balance my values within my familial relationships. Almost all of the generation before me in my family, even some of the liberal ones, have values that directly contradict with mine. I am very thoughtful about how I respond to them and educate them without attacking them. I try to ask questions as opposed to making statements, to allow them to explain where they are coming from and hopefully make them think. I seek to understand.

During this particular phone call with my mom I decided it was not worth getting into so I let it slide. I responded with a general exasperated “oh come on, mom”, knowing she would understand that as “it’s 2019!” and we could move on.

But it did leave me thinking about what I would want to say if I really really could. Like if her and all those in my family or even in the world who subscribe to slut-shaming were sitting in front of me unable to interrupt me and truly willing to absorb a new point of view (lol as if that would ever happen), what would I say?

I often tell people that I am a deconstructionist. I’m not sure if that is a real theoretical term, or if I made it up, but it is pretty darn perfect to describe how I view societal norms and my world around me in general.

I see memes and posters everywhere that say, “the most dangerous phrase in the English language is, ‘but we’ve always done it that way'”. That is a great starting point to explain what I mean by deconstructionism. I notice that a lot of people live by rules and norms that have no true “reason” other than “that’s how it’s always been.” Why is it bad to have a one night stand? “Well cause it is, everyone has always known that.” Okay, well, why?

Always ask “why”.

Since I always ask “why”, I am able to understand that societal norms are ARTIFICIALLY CONSTRUCTED. Of course, that is not an original thought of mine; take any sociology class at any major university and you’ll get the same message. I hope to inspire others to ask “why” when thinking about sociological/political issues.

So here is how I picture the *ideal* conversation around slut-shaming would go with my mom:

The question: WHY do you think it is bad to have casual sex?

Potential answers:

(omg side note, it is so hard to think of these answers as someone who does not agree)

  • “Because you should only have sex in a committed relationship”
    • Why should you only have sex in a committed relationship?
      • “Because sex is a special thing that you should only do with someone that you trust”
        • Why should you only have sex with someone you trust?
          • “Because you can risk disease”
            • But I use protection and regularly am tested for STDs. Is there another reason?
          • “Because you can risk pregnancy”
            • But I am on birth control and use protection. Is there another reason?
        • What makes sex special?
  • “Because you shouldn’t have sex with a lot/too many people”
    • Why shouldn’t you have sex with a lot of people?
      • See previous responses on disease/pregnancy
      • “Because you don’t want to be considered a slut”
        • What are the negative consequences of being considered a slut?
          • “People will think less of you and/or bully you”
            • Why would people think less of me based on how many people I have slept with?
              • “Because it is bad to sleep with a lot of people”
                • Okay, why is it bad? (return to beginning)
            • Does that mean you approve of bullying others based on their personal choices that do not harm or affect anyone else?
    • How many people is too many to have sex with?
  • “Because my religion says that you should wait until marriage to have sex”
    • Okay, well my religion does not say that/I do not believe in any religion. Should all people follow the rules of YOUR religion?
  • “Because being promiscuous can cause mental health issues”
    • Why do you think casual sex causes mental health issues?
  • “Because a man (or partner) will not want to be with someone who has slept around a lot”
    • I do not want to be with someone who values me based on how many people I have had sex with. Therefor, is it still bad to sleep around?
    • Why would a potential partner not want to be with someone who has slept around?
      • “Because it is bad to sleep around”
        • Okay, why? (return to beginning)
      • “Because they view sex as sacred and want to be their partners only sexual experience”
        • Why do they view sex as sacred?

(ok I am now running out of potential objections so I Googled “why is it bad to have casual sex” and it is returning articles that mostly talk about positive effects of having casual sex lol. An example if you are curious: click here)

Submission from a friend:

  • “Because why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?”
    • Is that implying that a partner is only interested in being in a committed relationship in order to have sex? (aka the only “milk” or benefit in a committed relationship is sex?)
    • Is that under the assumption that the person sleeping around has marriage as a goal? If not, is it still bad to sleep around?

I’m running out here.

When I asked my friends to brainstorm more objections, one of them brought up sex addiction and sexual abuse. I want to make it clear that I in no way mean to invalidate the decision to NOT be promiscuous. I in no way encourage anyone to be unsafe. I in no way mean to shame anyone who has experienced sexual violence resulting in intimacy issues (I am one of them). I in no way encourage others to use sex as a security blanket or to fill some sort of void, just as I would not encourage anyone to use drugs, alcohol, or anything else for that matter to avoid dealing with personal issues. What I do intend to say: all people have ownership of their bodies, and should be allowed to make their own decisions about what is right for those bodies, whether they’d prefer to sleep around, remain celibate, or anywhere in the middle with whatever (adult and consenting) partners they choose.

Here are my general rules regarding casual sex and sex in general:

  • DO make your own decisions for your body without influence from others
  • DO NOT engage your body in any activity that you are not comfortable with, regardless of the desires of others
  • DO ensure that your sexual partner gives consent and is on the same page, regardless of how casual the situation is
  • DO NOT equate sex to your self worth or the worth of others, regardless of who with, how often, or how you have sex
  • DO practice safe sex (including birth control, STD prevention, and caution around being alone with strangers)
  • DO NOT shame others for their sexual choices, regardless of what those choices are

So, to the title question, am I a slut? I would say, if “slut” is defined as someone with many sexual partners, the answer is yes. Yes, I am a slut.

Does it matter that I am a slut? Nah.

Love,

Anonymous Bitch

 

 

 

 

 

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Dating Sucks.

“Did I think that a man would like me more if I was stupid?”

So first of all I’m stoned and I just went on a really shitty date. What a waste of a fucking night. Anyways…

We went to dinner. The conversation was bad. This was our third date but it was the worst. We shared a milkshake which was pretty cute.

He was supposed to come home with me. We had discussed even before the date that I wanted him to come over. We had already slept together once.

We went up to my apartment and we could hear that there were people talking inside. He freaked out. I was like, “are you coming or not?” He hesitated so I said, “Alright just go home then.” So he did.

Like I said…waste of a fucking night.

The reason I wanted to write about this was not about how shitty the date was but more about something I realized about my behavior on the date.

I kept calling myself stupid. I called myself “stupid” and “dumb” multiple times.

Why the fuck would I call myself stupid? I don’t think I’m stupid. I don’t think that people think I’m stupid. I’m not a rocket scientist but I am a smart person.

Did I think that a man would like me more if I was stupid?

For some context: he is a “machine learning engineer”, basically he programs artificial intelligence robots. I work in sales. He would tell me about his job and my socialized ass was trying to somehow compliment him by putting myself down?

Not sure what’s up with that but I’m going to make sure I don’t do that ever again. I don’t want men to think I’m stupid, I don’t want to be with a man that wants to be with a woman who is stupid or calls herself stupid, and I don’t want to be selling myself short to other people in general.

Watch out for this shit ladies.

Love,

BOY BYE

I’ve been postless for a while now, the cause for that also being the cause for this post. I was seeing one guy for a while in a somewhat serious way, though that ended mutually just a few days ago.

I always knew it wasn’t a long term thing for several obvious reasons, but along the way he said some stuff that really sealed the deal. I thought that it might be fun to make a list right here of all of the garbage things that this guy said to me over the course of our relationship. I suppose this will double as a venting exercise as well.

1. Sometimes you sacrifice and allow yourself to feel pain and discomfort to sexually please someone that you love.

HELL TO THE NO. I will NEVER put myself in pain or extreme discomfort no matter how much I love someone. Just because I am in a relationship does not mean that I sacrifice the standards I have for my own body. I will never love someone else more than I love myself.

For some context: this arose because he, like every fuckin guy ever, wanted to do anal. I told him a billion times that I’ve tried anal with every relationship I’ve ever been in to finally realize that I hate it and it hurts so bad that I literally cry afterwards. So this mofo tells me that in relationships you do stuff like that for the person you love. NO BITCH. If you loved me you would not want to feel sexual pleasure while I was in extreme unwanted physical pain. Fuck you.

2. Sometimes sex isn’t about both people.

Hmmmm…..no. Sex is about both people. Sometimes one person doesn’t cum or you try something new for the one of you that is into it or whatever but at no time is my sex not for me. That is what prostitutes are for. Men have this fantasy that we get all sorts of pleasure from getting them off because that is literally what society teaches them. I get that sometimes it’s hot to have a quickie in a non-traditional way, you know, one of those times you spontaneously just like bend over or whatever. But if we are in bed and have all the time in the world we are both gonna get off.

ALSO, I should not have to ASK you to get me off, are you kidding? You cum and then we’re just done?! You don’t care whether or not I get off? Wtf is that?! What kind of man are you?! Not tryna play to gender roles here so…what kind of HUMAN are you?!?

I would tell him in these situations that it made me upset and he would act like I was some kind of sex maniac for being upset. I always said to him, “imagine if every single time we had sex I got off and then you only got off when I ‘felt like it'”. One time he was supposed to sleepover but then literally got up and started getting dressed to go home because I told him I shouldn’t have to ask. But for REAL….IMAGINE if you had sex with a man and you came and then just rolled over to go to bed…he would be FURIOUS. Imagine how a man would react to that…

3. Shut up.

DO NOT EVER TELL ME TO SHUT UP. Towards the end of the relationship he would say this to me constantly. I’m not talking about joking around or teasing, he would constantly tell me to shut up if he didn’t like what I was saying, or if he wasn’t in the mood to talk, or honestly I don’t know why he’d say it sometimes. RESPECT ME because I deserve it.

4. You’re dramatic and what you’re saying about me is made up in your head.

None of my feelings were ever valid. If I said something he didn’t want to hear it was just “me being dramatic”. I asked him once if he would tell me I was being dramatic if he hit me and I was upset about it. Regardless of whether or not you think my feelings are an overreaction these are my feelings and I can’t change them. To mediate them I try to communicate so we can talk it out so that I DON’T become overdramatic.

I told this fucker that I felt he was losing interest in me and he told me it was all made up. MEANWHILE he has stopped cuddling me at night, refuses to kiss me almost all the time, DELETED THE PICTURES HE HAD OF ME OFF HIS SOCIAL MEDIA, comments on other girls posts with tongue emojis and shit, and is posting constantly online about how he is bored and things he looks for in women, etc as if this fucker is already single…..those things are FACTS? You actually did those things. It seems that he was experiencing a touch of Donald Trump syndrome.

5. I take too long to cum.

No words.

He said that the reason he wouldn’t get me off every time was because his wrist would hurt from touching me for too long. It’s not like I take a half hour it’s literally maximum like 5-7 minutes maximum. Also maybe I would cum faster if you would eat the fuckin pussy!!!! I blew him all the time and over the course of 7 months he only went down on me twice. The kicker is that he would always post on his ratchet ass Instagram account memes about eating pussy, loving to eat pussy, his “tongue game”. One time I said “who’s pussy you been eating? Cause it’s not mine.”

Because I can relate somewhat…you know I’ve been there where you’re sucking dick so long that it’s painful…so I proposed a solution. I said we could get a vibrator and he could use that on me and it would be more effective and would take less effort on his part. And this guy told me he “wasn’t into that”. New solution: WE’RE OVER.

Today’s lesson: trust your gut when you know something is wrong. I knew when he said this stuff to me that he was not the kind of person that I wanted, nor the kind of person that deserved my time, attention, sex, or love. Cut the cord before feelings get hurt once you know something is off. Save yourself from douche bags like this. You won’t regret it.

Love,

Daddy

“Mike inspired my sexual career as I know it to this day.”

This post is about someone that I love very much. His soul is one that was destined for mine, yet is trapped in a body that makes it impossible for us to be together.

Mike was a Tinder match that never should have gone anywhere.

He was/is significantly older than me. 17 years older to be exact. We talked on Tinder and exchanged numbers. He would text me sweet nothings about how beautiful I was. One time he told me I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. No man had ever called me a woman before.

I didn’t take him seriously at first. I’m not sure when that changed. I do remember that one night, after drinking, we briefly talked on the phone. It was the first time that I acknowledged the reality of his existence. He was no longer just a text message. I remember that after we hung up I called him right back and told him that I wanted to hear his voice one more time. We went on one date when he was nearby, but after that I wouldn’t see him again in person until a year later.

From there we spoke all the time. We spoke over the phone almost every day. He listened to me. He would listen to me about school and about my friends and about my family. I could get drunk and cry to him about how I hated myself and he didn’t care.

I learned about his life. I learned that he had his own contracting business, he was a boxer, he had lots of Native American style tattoos, he was a functional alcoholic who’s father died of alcoholism, he had a brother named Bryan, he owned multiple properties, he drove a big black truck, one time he got a DWI for falling asleep drunk in his old white truck, he used to smoke pot and do lots of drugs in his youth, he didn’t go to college, he was from Massachusetts, he wore a lot of graphic t-shirts, his family had a home in Newport where he would go binge drink every other weekend during the summers, he wore a Fit Bit, he had a female best friend named Liz….

More importantly I learned that he had been in a slew of long term relationships, none of which turned out to be successful. He wanted a family and kids, but it never happened. One time he had a dog but his ex took the dog when they broke up. One of his relationships was an open relationship, and they as a couple had a girlfriend that would sleepover sometimes.

Mike was very sexually adventurous. He was bicurious. One time he slept with a MtF transgender woman who still had male genitalia. Sometimes he would flirt with guys on dating apps, but he never slept with a masculine man. Or at least, he never admitted that to me.

Mike inspired my sexual career as I know it to this day. He and I became sexual pen pals. His biggest fantasy was to be with me and another man at the same time. He was a cuckhold guy.

One time, and I don’t remember who started it, the Daddy/(step)daughter thing came into play. Maybe I have daddy issues, I don’t know, but it stuck. We would role play all sorts of scenarios as these characters. We still role play this way to this day.

The summer between my junior and senior years of college, Mike got drunk on the fourth of July and texted me that he was in love with me. I asked him if he meant it. I didn’t believe that someone who didn’t make the time to see me for almost a year at this point could possibly be in love with me. Even scarier, I think I immediately knew that I felt the same way.

I kind of brushed that first occasion off, but then it happened again, and again. I confronted him and told him he couldn’t say that to me anymore because it wasn’t fair.

One night I was out with some friends. Somehow we ended up at a strip club down the road from campus. I was the designated driver. Of all the nights that I had offered to drive to Mike’s house, which was only about an hour away, this time he finally said yes.

I dropped my friends off at their respective apartments, and then drove straight to his place. I didn’t even go home to get my wallet. I had to blow through an EZ Pass lane because I didn’t have any cash on me at all. He promised to give me cash to pay the ticket, and he did.

I was so nervous. I drove into his driveway and saw him standing up on the deck in the back. I couldn’t believe I was finally this close to him. I got out of my car, walked up the stairs, and fell directly into his arms.

We walked into his house and wasted no time. He pushed me up against a wall and we started kissing. We made our way upstairs, and he gave me the unofficial tour. We went into a bedroom and he sat down on a couch. I climbed onto his lap and took it from there.

We had sex and then cuddled all night long. When I woke up in the morning he took me to breakfast in his truck. I drove away that morning hopeful that things would be different now.

We went on one more date after that. He took me to an italian restaurant. Little did I know that it was going to be the last time I would see him, probably forever.

I am still in love with Mike and we still talk every day. While I was with my most recent ex I told Mike we could only be friends. That lasted until the last couple months of my relationship, at which point I broke down and could no longer deny that I still was in love with him.

We still sext all the time. It is the perfect set up because he loves the idea of me being with other men. When I sleep with someone else I get to tell him every last intimate detail, and he loves it.

We joke that we are going to get married. We joke that we are going to have babies. I wish any of that were true.

He told me we can never be together because of our age difference. He says he can never give me what I deserve. I feel like a dumb girl for believing that he actually loves me, but I do believe him.

We live even farther apart now that I graduated from school and moved away. The chances of us being together get slimmer and slimmer. I accept that.

I dream that one day I will finally be enough of an adult for him. He still tells me that he loves me and I reciprocate. I wonder how much we love each other, and how much we just love the fantasy that we have created.

Love,

Anonymous Bitch