Chubby

“You like my body.”

Being a big girl plays a huge role in my sexuality. I don’t think people realize how much being fat changes a person’s sexual/romantic experience.

I am 5’8″ and I wear a size 18. I have felt like a big girl all my life, even though for the majority of it I was not. In high school I wore a size 12 while my pre-pubescent friends were all wearing a size 0. I look back at pictures of myself and think, “how could I have ever thought I was fat?”

My senior year of high school I gained a lot of weight and got up to maybe a size 16. When I realized how much weight I had gained I started dieting and was able to lose 30 pounds in three months.

Once I went to college I started gaining the weight back, slowly. My sophomore year of college my boyfriend of the time took me shopping as a Christmas present. He bought me a couple dresses. On the car ride home he confessed to me that he wanted me to start losing weight. I was a size 14 at the time. I thought I had a wonderful day, feeling beautiful trying on dresses on this boyfriend-funded shopping spree. Then he crushed me.

By senior year of college I was up to a size 18. Since then I have lost and re-gained weight intermittently, but I have never really gotten back to my ideal size.

Now here I am, single, in the city, trying to date, trying to stay as healthy as possible, trying so hard to build my life here. I have a friend who is also single and new to the city, and I watch her go on dates with guys she meets online. She complains to me about how hard it is to date here. She has no idea how much harder it is for ME.

There are a lot of judgements that others make about fat people. There are a lot of assumptions. There are a lot of microaggressions directed towards fat people. If you don’t know what a microaggression is you should probably look it up.

One of the worst things that has always bothered me is the way that people so blatantly disclude you from normal dating activities. It seems to me that no other physical characteristic omits you from the dating scene as much as being fat does.

In college I was in a sorority, so there were a lot of formal/semi-formal events to go to, a lot of date parties, etc. It was very very common that single people would get set up for these events. I almost never was.

None of my friends ever set me up with a date because they assumed that their male friends would not be attracted to me because I was fat. And I get it. Young, gym-going, frat-stars on the majority probably would not be attracted to me. But did my friends never stop to think even one time that I noticed that I was always excluded?

I also get a lot of back handed compliments. “Wow, that is so flattering on you.” Could it maybe just look nice on me? Or is my fat body so horrendous that the best it gets is when a piece of clothing is simply able to HIDE (aka flatter) my body?

My other favorite move is when men like let me know that it is okay that I’m big and they still like me anyways. Some of them even fetish-ize it in a way. They tell me they don’t like thin women. 1) Why do you assume that I feel uncomfortable with my size and that they have to let me know like “not to worry” about it because they are still into me “anyways”??? You like my body. You don’t have to explain why you like it as if it is such a weird and rare thing that someone could be attracted to my body. 2) You don’t like thin women? Really? If I put a Megan Fox or some other super hot thin girl in front of you, you’re telling me you wouldn’t be attracted to her? Also sizing me up to other women is not the way to compliment me? Also why do you have to put down other women to make me feel good?

Being fat makes online dating much more difficult.

I post up to date pictures on my dating profiles but I don’t tend to keep photos around that I look big in. I don’t mean to deceive people with the photos I choose to put online, but what am I supposed to do, put on my most fat revealing outfit and do a photo shoot?

There is always the fear that men won’t be attracted to you once they meet you in person. That fear is there for anyone. But can you imagine how much that fear is escalated when you are a big girl?

In my dating profiles I specify that I am plus sized. My tag line is “Open minded, intelligent, sexual, liberal, plus sized, dog person, 420. If you’re not cool with any of these things please don’t waste my time.” How more honest and straightforward could I possibly be here?

One time a really fit looking man was messaging me and I told him there was no way his profile was real because a man who was so into working out would never be interested in me. He responds “oh my god, you are not big!” Okay…stop. I didn’t ask you to tell me I am not fat. I was not fishing for compliments.

Chubby people still have sexualities. We don’t have to hide our bodies to be considered sexy. Our bodies don’t need to be excused for a person to be attracted to us. Fat people are not the only ones who are attracted to fat people.

I may come back to update this post but that is all for now folks.

Love,

Anonymous Bitch

A Sexual History

“The night ends with me dislocating my jaw on a black guy’s dick.”

For my first ever blog post, I figured I’d establish a bit of context for everything that is to come. Get it, to come…

Everyone has at least a few sexual milestones in their lives that have shaped their sexual identity over time. Here are mine from my life to date.

  • 2002 – A girl named Margaret tells me what sex is for the first time on our bus ride home from school. She didn’t get all the facts right, but it was the first time I was ever aware of the concept of sex.
  • 2008 – One of my friends tells me how to masturbate.
  • 2009 – I lose my virginity to my best friend’s cousin and then proceed to lie to her about it for four years. She is still my best friend.
  • 2009 – I am raped by two neighborhood boys who were close friends of mine since childhood. They gave me spiked drinks with sleeping pills in them.
  • 2011 – I get blackout drunk and have sex with a girl. She is the girl who told me how to masturbate back in 2008. She is also still one of my best friends.
  • 2011 – I meet my first love and experience my first “man-made” orgasm, aka not self induced.
  • 2014 – I experienced my first heart break, followed by about 12 months of out of control promiscuity. I’m talking like a solid 20 notches on my belt over the course of the year. Get ready for several more 2014 bullet points.
  • 2014 – On what would have been me and my ex’s anniversary, I host a “break up party” to drink away my feelings and get laid. The night ends with me dislocating my jaw on a black guy’s dick. No joke I was giving him head and all of a sudden I realized I could no longer shut my mouth. It didn’t hurt, but I was freaking out. My friends took me to the emergency room and the doctors had to knock me out with propofol (the drug that killed Michael Jackson) so that they could jam my jaw back into my face. Despite everything, that guy and I continued to sleep together for a whole year following the incident.
  • 2014 – I meet my sugar daddy. He is an ex-college football player, accountant, and single father of one who becomes obsessed with me. I later find out that maybe he wasn’t so single because he announces on Instagram on Father’s Day that he is soon to be the father of two, with the same baby mama. They have since had that child and recently got engaged.
  • 2014 – I have group sex at my 21st birthday party. Three guys plus me and one other girl. Let me just say, no regrets.
  • 2015 – I find out I am pregnant. I immediately decide to have an abortion without thinking twice. I am early enough along that all I need to do is take a pill that costs $500. It is a relatively painless experience that I never once felt bad about choosing. Some judgey “friends” from college made me promise them that making the choice “wasn’t easy for me”, but I was just lying to appease them. It was super easy.
  • 2015 – I am raped again. Again by two men. It happens in my own bed. I begin to pursue pressing charges. A police officer at my university tells me he spoke with the assailants and they “seemed like normal guys” so he isn’t sure “why they would do that”. I decide not to press charges. My roommate tells me this is why I shouldn’t invite strangers into our apartment.
  • 2017 – Three months after dumping my college boyfriend, I find out that he has posted nude photos of me on a revenge porn website and included my full name and link to my Instagram page. I have to get a lawyer to get the pictures taken down and to send my ex a cease and desist letter. The last ever communication I will ever have with him is an email from him to my lawyer that includes him referring to me as Ms. (my real last name here).

Does any of this tell you anything about my sexual identity yet? You might think I am a slut. You might think I am a victim. In reality I’m just another person.

Love,

Anonymous Bitch