Am I a Slut?

So I had a one night stand this past weekend. Or at least what I assume will be a one night stand. In the past few months I haven’t dated much but have slept with two men, neither of which I have heard from since the night we had sex. Which is fine.

I’ll throw ya some quick highlights of the most recent hookup. Here we go:

  • Wasted at a house party
  • Had sex on a (horrible) air mattress with a friend asleep on a nearby couch
  • He licked my foot? I was on my back with my legs over his shoulders and he pulled my foot in front of his face and licked/sucked it. So that happened…
  • I let him try to put it in my ass. I verbally gave him consent to. It hurt like a bitch (as it always does, what was I thinking?) and he felt really bad about it.

That is everything even worth mentioning honestly.

Anyways…

I was recently talking to my mom on the phone, discussing a recent romantic encounter a friend of mine had. My mom gets to hear all the hot gossip. I tell her everything and she eats it right up. We talk for hours on the phone about all the drama going on in my friend circle.

Part of the story I was telling her featured a friend of mine sleeping with a man the same day that she met him. My mom apparently cannot avoid saying cliche mom shit. She verbally shamed my friend for sleeping with this man so quickly.

It is hard to balance my values within my familial relationships. Almost all of the generation before me in my family, even some of the liberal ones, have values that directly contradict with mine. I am very thoughtful about how I respond to them and educate them without attacking them. I try to ask questions as opposed to making statements, to allow them to explain where they are coming from and hopefully make them think. I seek to understand.

During this particular phone call with my mom I decided it was not worth getting into so I let it slide. I responded with a general exasperated “oh come on, mom”, knowing she would understand that as “it’s 2019!” and we could move on.

But it did leave me thinking about what I would want to say if I really really could. Like if her and all those in my family or even in the world who subscribe to slut-shaming were sitting in front of me unable to interrupt me and truly willing to absorb a new point of view (lol as if that would ever happen), what would I say?

I often tell people that I am a deconstructionist. I’m not sure if that is a real theoretical term, or if I made it up, but it is pretty darn perfect to describe how I view societal norms and my world around me in general.

I see memes and posters everywhere that say, “the most dangerous phrase in the English language is, ‘but we’ve always done it that way'”. That is a great starting point to explain what I mean by deconstructionism. I notice that a lot of people live by rules and norms that have no true “reason” other than “that’s how it’s always been.” Why is it bad to have a one night stand? “Well cause it is, everyone has always known that.” Okay, well, why?

Always ask “why”.

Since I always ask “why”, I am able to understand that societal norms are ARTIFICIALLY CONSTRUCTED. Of course, that is not an original thought of mine; take any sociology class at any major university and you’ll get the same message. I hope to inspire others to ask “why” when thinking about sociological/political issues.

So here is how I picture the *ideal* conversation around slut-shaming would go with my mom:

The question: WHY do you think it is bad to have casual sex?

Potential answers:

(omg side note, it is so hard to think of these answers as someone who does not agree)

  • “Because you should only have sex in a committed relationship”
    • Why should you only have sex in a committed relationship?
      • “Because sex is a special thing that you should only do with someone that you trust”
        • Why should you only have sex with someone you trust?
          • “Because you can risk disease”
            • But I use protection and regularly am tested for STDs. Is there another reason?
          • “Because you can risk pregnancy”
            • But I am on birth control and use protection. Is there another reason?
        • What makes sex special?
  • “Because you shouldn’t have sex with a lot/too many people”
    • Why shouldn’t you have sex with a lot of people?
      • See previous responses on disease/pregnancy
      • “Because you don’t want to be considered a slut”
        • What are the negative consequences of being considered a slut?
          • “People will think less of you and/or bully you”
            • Why would people think less of me based on how many people I have slept with?
              • “Because it is bad to sleep with a lot of people”
                • Okay, why is it bad? (return to beginning)
            • Does that mean you approve of bullying others based on their personal choices that do not harm or affect anyone else?
    • How many people is too many to have sex with?
  • “Because my religion says that you should wait until marriage to have sex”
    • Okay, well my religion does not say that/I do not believe in any religion. Should all people follow the rules of YOUR religion?
  • “Because being promiscuous can cause mental health issues”
    • Why do you think casual sex causes mental health issues?
  • “Because a man (or partner) will not want to be with someone who has slept around a lot”
    • I do not want to be with someone who values me based on how many people I have had sex with. Therefor, is it still bad to sleep around?
    • Why would a potential partner not want to be with someone who has slept around?
      • “Because it is bad to sleep around”
        • Okay, why? (return to beginning)
      • “Because they view sex as sacred and want to be their partners only sexual experience”
        • Why do they view sex as sacred?

(ok I am now running out of potential objections so I Googled “why is it bad to have casual sex” and it is returning articles that mostly talk about positive effects of having casual sex lol. An example if you are curious: click here)

Submission from a friend:

  • “Because why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?”
    • Is that implying that a partner is only interested in being in a committed relationship in order to have sex? (aka the only “milk” or benefit in a committed relationship is sex?)
    • Is that under the assumption that the person sleeping around has marriage as a goal? If not, is it still bad to sleep around?

I’m running out here.

When I asked my friends to brainstorm more objections, one of them brought up sex addiction and sexual abuse. I want to make it clear that I in no way mean to invalidate the decision to NOT be promiscuous. I in no way encourage anyone to be unsafe. I in no way mean to shame anyone who has experienced sexual violence resulting in intimacy issues (I am one of them). I in no way encourage others to use sex as a security blanket or to fill some sort of void, just as I would not encourage anyone to use drugs, alcohol, or anything else for that matter to avoid dealing with personal issues. What I do intend to say: all people have ownership of their bodies, and should be allowed to make their own decisions about what is right for those bodies, whether they’d prefer to sleep around, remain celibate, or anywhere in the middle with whatever (adult and consenting) partners they choose.

Here are my general rules regarding casual sex and sex in general:

  • DO make your own decisions for your body without influence from others
  • DO NOT engage your body in any activity that you are not comfortable with, regardless of the desires of others
  • DO ensure that your sexual partner gives consent and is on the same page, regardless of how casual the situation is
  • DO NOT equate sex to your self worth or the worth of others, regardless of who with, how often, or how you have sex
  • DO practice safe sex (including birth control, STD prevention, and caution around being alone with strangers)
  • DO NOT shame others for their sexual choices, regardless of what those choices are

So, to the title question, am I a slut? I would say, if “slut” is defined as someone with many sexual partners, the answer is yes. Yes, I am a slut.

Does it matter that I am a slut? Nah.

Love,

Anonymous Bitch

 

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “Am I a Slut?”

  1. I believe casual sex is okay. I mean it all matters on how you feel about yourself when it is over. I know when I used to have a bunch of hook ups with random people some I didn’t mind others just made me feel empty inside. I think we are very similar. I grew up in a very religious home. How I view sex and how my parents view sex are two very different ideas. So I don’t tell them everything and keep what I need to keep private private. But there were definitely some times that after I left someone’s bed or they left mine I felt so empty and hurt and honestly disgusting afterwards. Knowing that they would only see the fact that they got to “tap” me and not seeing me for who I really am as a person deep down. I put some pretty heavy guards up after these situations. I still sometimes feel empty after sex, but now I know who I can trust and who I cannot. If you ever need anything let me know I think we could help each other 🙂 I am here if you need me 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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